My time here has come to an end and I didn't realize how traumatic I
would find it. It's become familiar to me to say goodbye to places,
and I know I used to do it to a) run away from myself and b) as a side
benefit, have everyone tell me how they'll miss me and how great I am.
Here I am, dame situation, different circumstances. I am the leaver,
since I hate being left. I feel like my core group, my family is
breaking up here and I don't want to stay to see what happens next.
It's as if I believe it'll never have the same feel as it did. Wait a
sec - it won't, it can't. it's up to me to appreciate each moment for
what it is, how it is, without expecting anything more, or really,
anything else at all. Already I miss my friends here, I feel like I'm
crying for no reason, but I feel as if I've lost something precious. I
was reading an article today by Robina Courtin about anger. She
defined attachment (which leads us to being delusional and holding
onto anger) as that which makes us feel lonely, a sense of loss or as
if something is missing. Hello attachment.
The funny thing is, I'm really excited to be going back, to see my
family and love them hard, to see what happens next. It's almost as is
being a backpacker is an avoidance strategy - I'll just blip along,
tasting life here and there, staying where it's sweet and moving on
when it's not. That's not what I've done here - these last five months
are a continuation of the work I started in Yosemite, and again in
Lorinna, except now I feel I've come to a stage of completion. Once
again, I've found my center, but at a much deeper level than before.
It feels good, really good. I'm not unshakeable, but less bothers me
and that is liberating. For example, today I worked the supper shift
from 1 - 7:30pm. It gave me an opportunity to see Geshe Tashi Tsering
speak, but when I arrived for my shift, I was already tired. Having a
mindset of not wanting to do what I'd agreed to do is not easy to work
through, and certainly not with joyful effort. I watched my thoughts,
noticing when I got caught up in the negativity and stories floating
around, and then realized that all I had to do was be here now and
that holding onto my negativity was what was so tiring for me. I began
to watch my breath and a very slow 20 minutes passed. Then, I could
see clearer and I was able to work through the fog and weight. I'm
still tired now, at the end, but I'm aware and not simmering with
stories.
The talk today was on generating the mind of enlightenment and
developing bodhichitta, compassion for all sentient beings. The gompa
was packed, since Geshe Tashi Tsering came all the way from India to
give the talk (and do some ordinations yesterday). I really didn't
know what I might get out of the teaching, but I knew I wanted to
spend some time in the same room as the geshe - there's something
about him that really draws me. Seeing him yesterday, it was as if he
were glowing - I cried with joy (I think, it's never happened before).
I wonder more and more about this nun thing, especially with the books
I'm reading - Cave in the Snow, about an English woman who ordains at
21 and ends up living in a cave in India for 12 years. A remote cave.
Where she sees snow for 8 months of the year. The thing is, the
methods are so profound, and give great directions once they're
explained. I just...wonder. I also know I can always come back. That's
what everyone here is asking me anyway, although I recall asking the
same question of others just to be polite.
