and I've got two other friends here who are going as well - they'll
help me get there, and being there will do the rest, I suppose. I've
been working through some good issues lately - grief and sorrow,
saying goodbye to Dan, letting go of my attachment to having a partner
and the clinginess that seems to follow. I've finally come to the
point of detached awareness that I'm able to feel these emotions
without identifying with them, and thus let them go. I'm really
grateful to be in this space - here at Chenrezig, surrounded by
like-minded folks who are often going through the same thing or
helping me to look at my own issues.
Life is becoming routine here, my relationships with people are past
the lovey-dovey stage and getting into the nitty-gritty of conflicts
and desires and projections of emotions onto others. I'm excited for
the next month, to see what it will bring, and also feel that it's
passing so fast. There's nothing to do but be aware, I suppose.
Two people have told me I've got nunhood in my future - that sent me
for a loop to start with, but I realize this could be very far down
the line. It's also what started me on the letting go of the idea of a
partner - every time I get close to a guy, I get attached, and then
clingy, which pushes him away and leaves me feeling rejected and not
good enough. It's amazing how I manage to manifest the same patterns!
And what's really amazing is that it's me making myself feel this way!
I'm the one generating these good, lovey-dovey feelings and the
feelings of rejection and aloneness. It's all me. Ultimately, I can
choose how I feel. That's another thing I'm working on right now.
The rain is still here, downpouring off and on, inviting the leeches
out and washing out the road yet again. The grounds crew is growing a
new set of shoveling muscles from digging out the draingage ditches
along the road. Oy.
