you do something, anything, it's difficult because you're learning how
and you're concerned about doing it right and what will other people
think and and and... but then it gets easier and soon driving a car
goes from learner-permit stress to taking your wheels for a spin just
for fun.
I feel like I'm taking myself out for spin, and I keep discovering
cool new controls and dials to play with. I've found the radio but not
the volume, I've found the baby in the back seat, the pile of
emergency gear, the inner peace.
What, your car doesn't come equipped with inner peace?
I guess I'm just lucky then :)
With this falling into myself, I'm coming to terms with the habit I
have of running away, especially when things are beginning to get
good, just when I'm starting to coast and don't have to work as hard
and I begin thinking, 'shouldn't (and I should pay attention right
here, this being a deadly should) I be doing something? Shouldn't I be
struggling? How could this possibly be this easy?" And I hop up and
run run run away from delving deeper than the surface. I got to the
surface in Corvallis, and ran away to Bend. Same thing in Bend - I
scratched the surface, got comfortable, and ran away to Yosemite. Got
comfy in Yose, and here I am in Australia, half way around the world,
still running away from myself. My latest plan was to do a vipassana
sit and then begin traveling again, because I felt I 'should' be out
'seeing' Australia.
I've been saying this whole time I'm not interested in 'seeing'
Australia, that it's the people I most want to know. Now that I'm in a
place where this is happening and I'm leaving?
Not anymore. I'm staying here, riding the wave, accepting that life
can be easy, it's not a struggle all the time. Or any of the time.
*Smiles*
