me. This week it's about listening to my little voice, the one that's
often covered by the big ego voice, especially in relation to food.
Yes, I'm having eating issues again, all related to self-love and
acceptance. What's funnier is not that I'm overeating (oh, yeah, bring
on the hot chips!) but that I beat myself up over it afterwards -
giving myself a beating from the inside and the inside! So, well,
western. WHat is up with us always beating ourselves up about what we
do? It's the past, it's unchangeable, it's only the now that I can
change. WHy not be gentle in the now? I think that being gentle is a
form of love. After deciding that I don't know what love is, what it
feels like, don't think I've ever been in love, I guess that means I
have a clean slate to work from. Being gentle to myself is a form of
self-love. How cool is that?
So even though I overeat, beating myself up isn't helping me digest
anything! Gentleness is key!
**
I went to a Mani retreat last week - this is developed around building
Bodhicitta, which is compassion for others (among other things). At
first I didn't care to go at all, had no interest in going and
counting mantras and chanting with nuns, which is what I thought it
was. I really didn't want to go! A nun began talking to me about the
retreat, describing how beautiful the ceremony is, and all the good
reasons to go. Still wasn't convinced. The retreat went for two weeks,
and on the last week, something shifted and I set the strong intention
to go to one 1.5 hr session. What's an hour and a half out of my life
if I don't like it? I may never experience this again.
So I went.
It was really good.
I even did the 20 minutes of prostrations at the beginning,
prostrating to the 35 buddhas and various other things. I'm trying to
think of a way to describe the session, but it feels like all I can do
is tell you what we did - prostrations then sitting and reading
prayers and chants from a booklet, then counting 'om mani padme hum'
on a mala, the 108-bead rosary-type thing, then more singing prayers
to complete it. When I recited the mantra, it was like a meditation
and I had some good fears come up I was able to look at and let go of.
I didn't realize how physically demanding the prostrations were until
I climbed the stairs out of the retreat and felt my jelly-legs - whoa!
This is one example of feeling strong resistance to something I didn't
know anything about and doing it anyway, and finding that I quuite
enjoyed it. What does that mean? I'm finding I have a strong
resistance to any formal teaching here, that my skepticism is through
the roof when they talk about karma or the hell realms or
reincarnations - all this stuff you can't see. Why wouldn't it be
true? I've heard so many different ideas and beliefs about how we all
work, why wouldn't this one? It's just the one that rings true to you.
To me.
