It's noon and I'm talking to Annie at the computer. I feel like it's
been an eon since I've talked to her, but it's only been about 24
hours. I decided to participate in a Buddhist practice called the
Nyung Na, which is a powerful purification practice. I wanted to
experience it - how can I know what it is until I do it? Each Nyung Na
is two days, and they're going for 16 days total in a row, and a
number of people are doing all 16 days. The first day you have four
sessions of about 2 hours each, starting at 5 am, and doing a lot of
chanting, mantras and three progressively longer sessions of
prostrating, all dedicated to purifying yourself and your past lives.
You can dedicate your session to people you know who are suffering or
for the benefit of all sentient beings. You wouldn't think it would be
difficult, but it adds up. I noticed a tender spot on my forehead from
where I was laying my head on the ground at each prostration. I put a
pad there. Then my elbows started hurting, and my ribs, so on the
second day (today) I put a full-length pad down instead of the
half-length one that padded my knees. That was better. I'm evenly sore
all over now, none of this spot-soreness.
The other thing: day one you have one meal at midday, and can drink
liquids until 5 am the next morning. Day two you eat and drink nothing
starting from 5 am until the following morning at 6 or so when they
serve chai and applejuice. That's about 36 hours without food and 25
without water.
Yep, these buddhists like to suffer. I thought I'd get in on it.
The first day was interesting - I realized I wanted to know what they
were doing in the gompa (meditation hall) that we're not allowed in
unless we're part of the Nyung Na. I participated in the chanting,
learned how to pronounce some tibetan chants, some sanscrit chants, om
mani padme hum'd for many malas (108 beads on a mala, which is a
rosary) and bowed down innumerable times, reflecting on the suffering
of other countless beings and how small my own intentionally inflicted
suffering was.
If I got nothing else out of this retreat, I got compassion for the
people who are going all the way through. 16 days, eating every other
day, doing prostrations for about 2 hours a day, singing and chanting
and repeating verses without water.
The second day, I did the first session at 5 and stayed in the gompa
for the second session at 9. The whole time, I'm not really sure why
I'm doing a nyung Na in the first place, and today I really tried not
to pass judgement on the practice or why I was there or what I was
trying to get out of it. Sure, I was hungry and getting thirsty, and
my voice hurt from all the chanting, and my arms and ribs and legs
hurt from the prostrations, but I've handled physical pain in the
past. I lot more, to be honest. And I just finished this Vipassana,
which was among other things, painful. it's not the pain.
Sometime during the second session, I didn't want to do it any more.
Normally, my ego would strut in and say, "if you don't finish this,
you're a wuss and everyone will think you're weak. They won't look at
you the same way, and you won't have the same status as before."
My ego still said that, but I decided not to listen.
It also said, "If you don't want to be here, you're probably purifying
something and want to run away from the practice."
That was a more compelling argument, but I didn't feel like I was
repressing anything, or had anything to come out.
Hence Annie's comment when I told her I'd stopped doing the Nyung Na.
Three months ago I still would've been pushing myself to finish.
This feels so good! And I get to return and hang with my friends,
especially Annie, since she and Jorrit (another long-term vollie) are
leaving on Thursday. Anniccha, as Goenka would say. Impermanence, as
Anna's tattoo says in Japanese. I just sniff away my tears and smile.
It's the end of an era here at Chenrezig, and people are moving on,
out of the Family Center Sphere, bringing our special relationship out
to their encounters with new community.
I don't want things to change. I know they have to, and it's easy to
take for granted how easy it's been living with these amazing and
compassionate people. Perhaps change will help me appreciate whoever
comes in next, and the transformative last three months we've all had.
Another three vollies signed up for Vipassana. We've started a trend!
