You may think this sounds strange, since all I've been doing is
bellyaching about being wet and cold.
Well, my situation has changed. I am now living in the lap of
(comparative) luxury, with running hot and cold water, electricity,
and soft, warm bed and it's warmed up outside, too! I am living with
Emma.
I met Emma a couple of weeks ago when we took our trip down south. On
the way back up, we stayed with Emma in Lorinna at a house she's
renting/caretaking. We were following cryptic directions and towing an
excavator down a single-track winding gravel road to a town you can't
find on a map of Tassie. I put myself forward and imagined the house
we'd find amongst all this backwoods labyrinth – I saw wood paneling
inside, an area of bright light and airiness, and I thought, 'that
would be soooo nice.'
Fortunately, I was right. When we turned into the drive we were
greeted by the sight of a corrugated tin roof with windows peeping out
the top, and as we drove down the hill towards our castle in the
woods, it became better and better. A fenced garden, established
trees, the sound of a stream or river...and I found out that I'd get
to stay in my own room, and lounge on a luxurious mattress under a
doonah and extra wool blankets if I needed them. Compared to the hard
futon mattress I'd been sleeping on, under the mountain of heavy
woolen blankets back at Abeo, this was heaven.
I slept really well.
I slept in, past everyone else getting up.
It was glorious.
What was the point of my story?
Rain? Yes, it's warmed up here, so that when I arise out of bed I can
still feel my nose and the last frost we had was four days ago. When I
arrived, the afternoon was a patchwork of rain and sun, and the next
two days full-on sunshine with blue skies and little wind – just the
kind of days you're supposed to have in summer! That first sunshiney
day we both spent too much time outside, pulling bidgie-widgies and
moving wet logs. It felt great to be outside, but I'm learning I
haven't learned moderation. I need to listen to my body when it says,
'slow down!' or, 'I need a break!' The next day, sunshiney as well, we
were both a little knackered and didn't do much.
I'm having a wonderful time talking to Emma about Abeo – the community
and my experience of the reality – about communities in general, and
learning about her extraordinary life. She lived in Switzerland for 4
years and was a mountain climber. No doubt she's intimately familiar
with the Alps! One of the reasons she's here is because she's got
mononucleosis – tired all the time – and being away from people is a
way for her to rest. Course, the way she goes, she might need a break
from herself!
We do nap regularly here, and in general take it easy, with lots of
tea breaks and talking breaks and reading breaks and quiet time. Both
of us are introverts – she's a boar and an INTP, like Della.
Speaking of the Meyer's Briggs personality type, I've been thinking a
lot about my own, which I thought was INTJ. It may have been at one
time, or I may have engineered it as such, but after living so closely
with Tyler, who's the epitome of the Thinker, I don't think I am. (As
an example of Tyler's constantly flying mind, if he starts a project
and leaves it, when he comes back to it he has no qualms about
deconstructing and re-constructing what's he built if he's created a
better plan. Everything is getting constantly re-worked and redesigned
to find the most efficient and best way to do something. Talk about
perfection!) In fact, I'm so glad I'm not! The question I ask most
frequently is, 'how do you feel?' This is a question I didn't feel
comfortable asking Tyler. After a while I wasn't interested in asking
him anything, since he always gave a long-winded, scientific answer
that was logical and without personal feeling in it. Information is
interesting, but I'm interested in the humanity as well. Tyler does a
good job of pretending he's robot. He fools himself, anyway.
Getting back to this INTJ business. I think I'm an INFJ – feeling
instead of thinking. (Let me just say here that we referred to the
Meyer's Briggs personality categories all the time, about ourselves,
people interested in Abeo, and joking about what people might be.
Della moderates an INTP forum, where she learns about her own
tendencies, and we talked a bit about her independence and ability to
start things as part of that. We've also talked a lot about chinese
astrology and her chart, Tyler's chart, but that's another
conversation!) The INFJ is the counselor – a person who relates to
people, is in touch with what other people are feeling, who likes
personal time but also likes to be involved at a superficial level
with the community. Della was able to tell me a bit about this, and I
looked up the description when I got a chance. High expectations,
sensitive to criticism, highly creative...now this sounds like someone
I know!
This gives me a different reference point for myself and my actions. I
also think it won't make a difference at all.
**
Yesterday was overcast, all day long. Towards evening, I began hoping
it would rain, just for something different, but it stayed a bit heavy
and cool until I went to bed. It stays light so long here; I'm ready
for bed long before it's dark and even before the daylight has dimmed.
I wonder if it's because I'm missing a winter or because it feels like
winter here – well, spring now. I wonder how I'll feel when I get back
– like I need a winter or will I be ready for another spring and
summer? I'm almost ready to do the winter qigong set – lots of
gatherings, not much circulation – just so I don't miss out on all
that qi!
Back to the rain. When it's sunny, I feel I should be outside, working
or playing, just taking advantage of the weather, even if I'd rather
be curled up reading a book or watching a movie or just spinning some
wool. I feel obligated to 'enjoy' the fine weather, that this is a
rare chance to be outside and I 'should' make the most of it. I
realize here my use of the word should, and I know that shoulding on
myself is a self-defeating practice. No more shoulds! Do what I want,
when I want! Enjoy where I'm at!
It's so often I talk to people who are living their lives according to
the 'shoulds,' like going to college, getting a 9-5 job, getting
married, taking a scholarship and living in a town and going to a
school they don't like, being nice to someone who treats you like
dirt.
I just want to be me, doing my me thing. I'm aware of other people's
expectations of me, or what I perceive to be their expectations of me,
and it's a struggle to realize when I allow that to determine my
behavior, and when I'm aware that I'm OK, and simply being me.
